Posted in Pensieve Moments on 15 June 2010
In Xanadu did Kublai Khan
a stately pleasure-dome decree,
where Alph,
the sacred river, ran
through caverns measureless to man …
From The Ballad of Kublai Khan
By Samuel Taylor Coleridge
I AM PUSHING 50 and unafraid that I might
not get to Xanadu after all. But I know that for as long as I am capable of
loving (and believe you me, I have a whole lot of loving to give), I still have
hope.
I have always tried my best to make my
dreams come true. The many roadblocks notwithstanding, I have achieved most of
what I have set out to do.
Having grown up with acceptance and
appreciation, I was not just tolerated but loved. I was, at a considerably
early age, wise to the fact that being gay was, is and never should be
considered neither a tragedy of fate or character.
Why am I writing about this, at this stage
of my life?
I got dumped by a boyfriend who was, much
to my chagrin, on the prowl for other men. We were together for almost a year,
and I was loyal and faithful to him. We had plans for our future together,
planned to grow older together. But it was not meant to be. I am still in pain,
but am moving on, chucking some emotional baggage along the way.
To answer my question: hope. Hope that one
day, somehow, I will be able to find a partner who will fill that aching void
inside of me. Hope as suggested by the voice inside my head with an accent
straight out of the river Thames.
Please note that while I don’t like
complications and unwanted entanglements (I have no time for assholes, morons
and jerks), I AM INTERESTED IN
MEETING CEREBRAL MEN WITH A PLEASANT MIEN WHO ARE ASSERTIVE WITHOUT BEING
ABRASIVE. Please note further that I am not desperate. If I am unable to
find The One, that aching void can and will be ignored.
You see, the problem is that I am not
easily won over. But then again when I am, I am completely won over.
Unfortunately, if I don’t like you from the get go, it will take nothing short
of a miracle to change that. I will not pretend to like you and you should not
expect me to eventually get to appreciate you unless you metamorphose into
something I truly appreciate.
I may not be your first, but I will not be
haunted by your past. I may not be your last either so I will not be the ghost
in your future. You have loved before, you will eventually love again. But
while we are lovers, I expect us to be mutually exclusive to each other … love
me and only me and nothing else will matter. I do not expect you to be perfect
so do not find faults in me. We should not attempt to change each other to fit
each other’s molds. But we should do all we can to adjust. With respect and
consideration as the premise, we will find understanding. And from there, love will
blossom.
I do not expect you to think of me every
single moment of your life, for I refuse to think about you when, for example,
I am sitting on the john or have a deadline to beat. I will give way to your
enjoyment with your friends, for my friends also deserve some of my time. And
whenever we find mutual friends, we will enjoy their company as well. But we
should always have time for ourselves, for our individuality to come to the
fore, just as we should have time together: to communicate; to bond; to feed on
our love; to hear what innermost thoughts silence brings forth; to nurture
understanding.
I will willingly play second fiddle, for
you are my man. I will, in those familiar words: love, honor and obey. But I
will not be following you submissively, as if I were deaf, mute, and blind.
Treat me right and you will be my master, but do not overstep your bounds, for
I am not your slave.
I will do whatever I can to ensure your
happiness. I will do whatever I can to make things work for us and between us.
I will not only be good to you … I will be good for you.
I have a lot of excess baggage, not
necessarily corpora adiposa.
I am a battle-scarred lover with a lot of issues to resolve. I need to be
understood as I try to understand.
Our individual orbits may never coalesce to
create circles and sparks. Just like an Operating System running on a 64-bit
processor, you might find yourself "not compatible" with my
configuration because you are running at a lower platform.
I can adjust. Together, we might be able to
work it out.
But if you don’t like me, that is water
under the bridge.
I can live with that void, and die with it.
Xanadu … or bust!
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